Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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