I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
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TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i think i just lost a toe
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