Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
