genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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