I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
