My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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