Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
