Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
