just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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