My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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