i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
