i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
