true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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