All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
