A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
