she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
