I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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