Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We're too hungover to prance.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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