Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
