my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
