mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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