He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
