Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
