Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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