Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
