just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
