I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
