After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
