I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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