I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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