we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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