just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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