I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
