When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
