never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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