So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
