I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
