I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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