I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
false alarm, still single
Randomize
