I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
