she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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