guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
