i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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