So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
