Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
