I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already