hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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