i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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