I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
