I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Damn victory sex feels great
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
