the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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