I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Someone signed my nipple.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
