I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You need a sexual gate keeper
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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