So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
