Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
