how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
