I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
