Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
