he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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