I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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