the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
