It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
