I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We are all done wearing pants today
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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