please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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