new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
