No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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